Deeper Love: Improve Your “You-and-I” Relationships

posted on November 18, 2013 by Dawn Grant

BirchHow do you feel about the “you-and-I” relationships in your life?  Do you feel like you are a loving individual?  Do you experience love in your relationships?  How do you feel about love and recognize it in your own life?  Is this an area you would like to improve in some way?  Love is a word many people say, but it takes work to become more loving individuals toward ourselves and others.  Improving relationship skills is something I believe everyone can and should spend time working on, and as a hypnotherapist and mental trainer, I can help. 

I would like to use a quote that I think will really help illustrate an aspect of relationships that people often overlook.  It comes from a book by David Richo entitled, When the Past Is Present:  Healing the Emotional Wounds that Sabotage Our Relationships.  If you have not heard of David Richo, he has a PhD and is a psychotherapist, teacher, workshop leader, and writer.  He pulls together insight from many different schools of thought and provides a great deal of useful information on his website:  I highly recommend you check him out and what he has to offer.

So the quote I chose from David Richo’s book is “In a true you-and-I relationship, we are present mindfully, non-intrusively—the way we are present with things in nature.  We do not tell a birch tree it should be more like an elm.  We face it with no agenda, only an appreciation that becomes participation: ‘I love looking at this birch’ becomes ‘I am this birch’ and then ‘I and this birch are opening to a mystery that transcends and holds us both.”

Let’s look at the example David Richo uses of a birch and an elm tree.  Right now, I can look out of my window and see a Magnolia tree, and I happen to be a lover of nature, so I really enjoy being a part in nature.  For a long time, though, I can honestly say that the way I used to refer to it was that I loved looking at nature.  That is what David Richo is saying in this quote:  Our first step is to say we love looking at the tree.  If you are near a window or have a plant next to you, take a look at it and recognize that you’ve probably been saying “I love looking at this plant or tree.”  You most likely see the tree as something you’ve been enjoying, whether it was mindfully or not, as something separate from you.

What David Richo goes on to suggest, is that we turn that separateness into “I am this birch.”  Realize energetically that we truly are all connected; we are all one.  What we see is really a reflection of our perception, and whether or not we love the birch or magnolia tree is just a reflection of ourselves.  Not everyone will say that in the same form or fashion, but everyone is capable of saying it.  It is because of our varied human experiences that everyone has different preferences.  Some might say they love oaks whereas others might love weeping willows, but it is still a reflection of self, although we are all part of one in the same.

From there, we can move forward into “I and this birch are opening to a mystery that transcends and holds us both.”  What exactly does that mean?  Whether you realize it or not, so much in life goes on beyond our knowing, seeing, and hearing; beyond the little circle that surrounds us individually.  There are multitudes of cause and effect interactions of self with the world around us and the universe that happen every moment of the day.  Any time two come together, there is always a unique, mysterious interaction between the two that will be unlike any other two interactions on the entire planet.  It transcends us but also holds us.

Let’s take that example back to a true “you-an-I” relationship with two human beings who are looking to be in a special relationship, which includes being present mindfully.  Say this applies to you and a significant other.  See the other person as a universe that you are ready and excited to explore so much beyond what you can possibly imagine.  Be mindful in that presence, in the present situation and the present circumstances with that unique individual that is before you.  A lot of us have the habit of trying to impose our will upon that person, thinking that the birch should be more like an elm if that’s what we are and how that birch should be more like me.  That is one of the most common downfalls of relationships:  Continuing to impose ones will on the other rather than seeing each other as mysterious, unknowing, amazing individual souls that we can get to know more of every day.

Being present mindfully means watching, seeing, and observing.  It means being excited to get to know the intricate details of that person and their experiences and not intrusively imposing your will upon them or trying to make them change.  It means to not believe they should be different or grow more quickly.  It means to be present mindfully and not intrusively, the way we are in nature.  Think about how silly it would be to stand next to a birch tree and tell it to be more like an elm.  You wouldn’t do that to a tree, right?  So why would you do it to another human being?

I challenge you to face nature today, this week, with no agenda.  Appreciate all aspects of the environment and nature around you and see the different trees for their uniqueness.  Right now I can see three magnolia trees and each one is completely unique.  I won’t stand here and tell one it should be more like the others.  I will just appreciate them mindfully and not intrusively, so I become one, in my mind, with nature around me.

Practice this throughout the week.  As you do, take that same appreciation for the trees and your ability to see uniqueness and beauty in each of them, and apply it to the humans around you.  All people are unique and beautiful in their own way.  They are all amazing mysteries—all their own universes waiting to be explored, just like you.

If you would like assistance in being more loving—not only giving more love but being open to receiving it as well—please contact me.  I wish you well in your journey of experiencing deeper love in your life.  Know you can improve your “you-and-I” relationships as you apply this teaching.  Thanks for reading, and have an amazing day!

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Deeper Love: Improve Your “You-and-I” Relationships posted on November 18, 2013 by Dawn Grant

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