Strength does not come from winning. Your struggles develop your strengths. -Arnold Schwarzenegger
One of the best lessons we can learn in life is to master how to remain calm.
In the heat of an argument it can be challenging to stay calm, but with these seven simple steps you’ll be prepared to keep a cool head in the midst of any discussion.
“Conflict wreaks havoc on our brains. We are groomed by evolution to protect ourselves whenever we sense a threat. In our (world), we don’t fight like a badger with a coyote, or run away like a rabbit from a fox. But our basic impulse to protect ourselves is automatic and unconscious.” ~ Diane Musho-Hamilton
Experiencing some form of conflict is often a given while living life. Even the calmest and most collected people will at certain points in their lives experience some degree of interpersonal turmoil.
The main aspects of a conflict that we can control are how we choose to communicate and how we choose to respond. This isn’t to say that overriding this “automatic and unconscious” process is easy; but when striving to maintain relationships, and to maintain our own inner peace, it’s definitely worth it.
As humans we are able to recognize, acknowledge, accept, guide and manage all of our internal feelings, and can turn an unproductive defensive reaction into a beautifully calm and productive response.
When facing confrontation, the body tends to tense up. The results of this tension are we start to experience shallow breathing and a racing heart. One of the best ways to stay calm during an argument is to relax your body and mind through deep breathing. Deeply inhale through your nose, counting to three, and then slowly exhale through your mouth, also counting to three.
Focus on taking deep breaths to stop the production of both adrenaline and cortisol in your body and to calm your nerves. Deep breathing is associated with relaxation in the body, and by consciously choosing to control your deep breathing, your body will naturally release the feelings associated with relaxation and stress-relief.
It’s often not about what we say, but how we’re saying it that either leads to peaceful discussions or heated arguments. It was Albert Mehrabian who came up with the rule determining that successful communication is made up of three parts: the words you use, your tone of voice and your body language. Whatever the content is of the things we’re saying, it’s our tone of voice that communicates what we’re feeling when we say them. The words “I love you” can be be a beautifully loving statement when spoken from the heart, or it can be a statement that provokes bitterness or resentment when used with an angry tone to justify unhealthy behavior.
Voice levels plays a key role in whether a conversation turns into an argument or is able to remain as a healthy discussion. One of the best ways to diffuse conflict is to simply lower your voice. People often raise their voice when they feel strongly about something or when they feel they’re personality or behavior is being attacked, but yelling does not help either person’s case. Lowering your voice during an argument can help calm both people down. By also focusing on the heart while speaking, and maintaining attention on the feeling of love, the voice will communicate this love, and it will diffuse a large amount of resistance in the other person.
The person you’re speaking with may get the wrong impression and become defensive if you exhibit aggressive body language. You could come off as a potential emotional threat if you aren’t mindful of your body language and happen to appear as aggressive, even if you don’t mean to.
Crossing your arms, pursing your lips, and slouching give the average person an angry appearance, even if they aren’t. Instead, stand straight up, place your arms in a neutral position, and keep your face relaxed, as this form of body language is conducive of healthy communication.
The biggest factor in having a healthy relationship is “E. I.”: Emotional intelligence, and it’ also a key in staying calm. Emotional intelligence is defined as “the ability to identify and manage your own emotions and the emotions of others.” A low E.I. generally leads to an inability to stay calm, resulting in more conflict, while a high E.I. leads to less conflict and an ability to stay calm under pressure.
Consciously identify your feelings and begin to understand the experiences and underlying needs behind them. By understanding what your feelings and needs are, you can better figure out how to meet those needs, which will resolve possible feelings of frustration or anger.
People often initiate an argument when they feel like they aren’t being heard. If another person approaches you ready to fight, take the time to listen to what they have to say, before you engage in conflict. Once they finish speaking, respond calmly instead of irrationally.
Making a joke may seem silly during a discussion or even an argument, but as long as the context is okay and it is not making fun of the other person, a joke can be a sign of lightheartedness and the desire to cause happy feelings of laughter in the other. Smiling and laughing also releases feel-good chemicals in the brain, leading to reduced tension. Consider who you are arguing with before you introduce something funny. Your goal isn’t to make anyone more upset. Rather, it’s to calm down a tense situation.
Open-ended questions aren’t usually present in an argument, as they imply respect for the other person and an intent to listen and to understand: two important actions that promote empathy. Accusations and “yes or no” questions can often lead to arguing, but asking open-ended questions shows a desire and an interest to reach an agreement with the other, without forcing them, but through understanding.
Open-ended questions ask for the other to share their thoughts and opinion, rather than a yes or a no. Two examples of open-ended questions would be; “I’m wondering, what is your opinion on (abc)?” or “How does that make you feel?”
By no means does everyone need to agree on everything, it’s simply not possible because everyone has had a unique life experience and their own personal education. As we’ve all learned different things, we will naturally form different opinions.
If during a discussion you’ve both made your cases and you’re sticking to your own opinions, know when to call a truce in order to maintain your relationship in a positive way. If the conversation isn’t going anywhere, say, “Let’s agree to disagree” with a smile and then by politely disengaging from the conversation or changing the topic.
For many people in our lives, including loved ones, family, and significant others, we value the person more than we value proving our point or being “right.” It’s okay to disagree as long as both people can meet their own needs and stay respectful and loving of each other.
Repost from Understanding compassion
Hypnosis is a genuine psychological therapy process. It’s often misunderstood and not widely used. However, medical research continues to clarify how and when hypnosis can be used as a therapy tool.
Hypnosis is a treatment option that may help you cope with and treat different conditions.
To do this, a certified hypnotist or hypnotherapist guides you into a deep state of relaxation (sometimes described as a trance-like state). While you’re in this state, they can make suggestions designed to help you become more open to change or therapeutic improvement.
Trance-like experiences aren’t all that uncommon. If you’ve ever zoned out while watching a movie or daydreaming, you’ve been in a similar trance-like state.
True hypnosis or hypnotherapy doesn’t involve swaying pocket watches, and it isn’t practiced on stage as part of an entertainment act.
Yes and no. Hypnosis is a tool that can be used for therapeutic treatment. Hypnotherapy is the use of that tool. To put it another way, hypnosis is to hypnotherapy what dogs are to animal therapy.
During hypnosis, a trained hypnotist or hypnotherapist induces a state of intense concentration or focused attention. This is a guided process with verbal cues and repetition.
The trance-like state you enter may appear similar to sleep in many ways, but you’re fully aware of what’s going on.
While you’re in this trance-like state, your therapist will make guided suggestions designed to help you achieve your therapeutic goals.
Because you’re in a heightened state of focus, you may be more open to proposals or advice that, in your normal mental state, you might ignore or brush off.
When the session is complete, your therapist will wake you from the trance-like state, or you will exit it on your own.
It’s unclear how this intense level of inner concentration and focused attention has the impact it does.
Researchers at Harvard studied the brains of 57 people during guided hypnosis. They found that:
TAKEAWAYDistinct sections of the brain are visibly altered during hypnosis. The areas that are most affected are those that play a role in action control and awareness.
It’s possible, but hypnosis shows marked differences in brain activity. This suggests the brain reacts to hypnosis in a unique way, one that’s stronger than a placebo effect.
Like hypnosis, the placebo effect is driven by suggestion. Guided conversations or behavioral therapy of any type can have a powerful impact on behavior and feelings. Hypnosis is just one of those therapy tools.
Hypnosis rarely causes any side effects or has risks. As long as the therapy is conducted by a trained hypnotist or hypnotherapist, it can be a safe alternative therapy option.
Some people may experience mild-to-moderate side effects including:
However, hypnosis used for memory retrieval is a controversial practice. People who use hypnosis in this way are more likely to experience anxiety, distress, and other side effects. You may also be more likely to create false memories.
Some doctors aren’t convinced that hypnosis can be used in mental health or for physical pain treatment. Research to support the use of hypnosis is getting stronger, but not all doctors embrace it.
Many medical schools don’t train doctors on the use of hypnosis, and not all mental health practitioners receive training during their years of school.
That leaves a great deal of misunderstanding about this possible therapy among healthcare professionals.
Hypnosis is promoted as a treatment for many conditions or issues. Research does provide some support for using hypnosis for some, but not all, of the conditions for which it’s used.
Research shows strong evidence for the use of hypnosis to treat:
Limited evidence suggests hypnosis may be used to treat:
More research is needed to verify the impact of hypnosis on the treatment of these and other conditions.
You may not undergo hypnosis during your first visit with a hypnotist or hypnotherapist. Instead, the two of you may talk about the goals you have and the process they can use to help you.
In a hypnosis session, your therapist will help you relax in a comfortable setting. They’ll explain the process and review your goals for the session. Then, they’ll use repetitive verbal cues to guide you into the trance-like state.
Once you’re in a receptive trance-like state, your therapist will suggest you work to achieve certain goals, help you visualize your future, and guide you toward making healthier decisions.
Afterward, your therapist will end your trance-like state by bringing you back to full consciousness.
Although one session can be helpful for some people, most therapists will tell you to begin hypnosis therapy with four to five sessions. After that phase, you can discuss how many more sessions are needed. You can also talk about whether any maintenance sessions are needed as well.
Although hypnosis is slowly becoming more accepted in traditional medical practices, many myths about hypnosis persist. Here, we separate reality from falsehoods.
Not everyone can be hypnotized. One study suggests that about 10 percent of the population is highly hypnotizable. Although it’s possible that the rest of the population could be hypnotized, they’re less likely to be receptive to the practice.
You’re absolutely in control of your body during hypnosis. Despite what you see with stage hypnosis, you’ll remain aware of what you’re doing and what’s being asked of you. If you don’t want to do something you’re asked to do under hypnosis, you won’t do it.
You may look like you’re sleeping, but you’re awake during hypnosis. You’re just in a deeply relaxed state. Your muscles will become limp, your breathing rate will slow, and you may become drowsy.
Hypnotism isn’t a truth serum. Although you’re more open to suggestion during hypnotism, you still have free will and moral judgment. No one can make you say anything — lie or not — that you don’t want to say.
Many smartphone apps and Internet videos promote self-hypnosis, but they’re likely ineffective.
Researchers in one 2013 review found that these tools typically aren’t created by a certified hypnotist or hypnosis organization. For that reason, doctors and hypnotists advise against using these.
Although it may be possible to retrieve memories during hypnosis, you may be more likely to create false memories while in a trance-like state. Because of this, many hypnotists remain skeptical about using hypnosis for memory retrieval.
Hypnosis carries the stereotypes of stage performances, complete with clucking chickens and daring dancers.
However, hypnosis is a genuine therapeutic tool, and it can be used as an alternative medical treatment for several conditions. This includes insomnia, depression, and pain management.
It’s important that you use a certified hypnotist or hypnotherapist so that you can trust the guided-hypnosis process. They will create a structured plan to help you reach your individual goals.
What exactly is hypnosis? While definitions can vary, the American Psychological Association describes hypnosis as a cooperative interaction in which the participant responds to the suggestions of the hypnotist.
Hypnosis has become well-known thanks to popular acts where people are prompted to performs unusual or ridiculous actions, but it has also been clinically proven to provide medical and therapeutic benefits, most notably in the reduction of pain and anxiety. It has even been suggested that hypnosis can reduce the symptoms of dementia.
How Does Hypnosis Work?
When you hear the word hypnotist, what comes to mind? If you’re like many people, the word may conjure up images of a sinister stage-villain who brings about a hypnotic state by swinging a pocket watch back and forth.
In reality, hypnosis bears little resemblance to these stereotypical depictions. According to psychologist John Kihlstrom, "The hypnotist does not hypnotize the individual. Rather, the hypnotist serves as a sort of coach or tutor whose job is to help the person become hypnotized."
While hypnosis is often described as a sleep-like trance state, it is better expressed as a state characterized by focused attention, heightened suggestibility, and vivid fantasies. People in a hypnotic state often seem sleepy and zoned out, but in reality, they are in a state of hyper-awareness.
In psychology, hypnosis is sometimes referred to as hypnotherapy and has been used for a number of purposes including the reduction and treatment of pain. Hypnosis is usually performed by a trained therapist who utilizes visualization and verbal repetition to induce a hypnotic state.
What Effects Does Hypnosis Have?
The experience of hypnosis can vary dramatically from one person to another. Some hypnotized individuals report feeling a sense of detachment or extreme relaxation during the hypnotic state while others even feel that their actions seem to occur outside of their conscious volition. Other individuals may remain fully aware and able to carry out conversations while under hypnosis.
Experiments by researcher Ernest Hilgard demonstrated how hypnosis can be used to dramatically alter perceptions. After instructing a hypnotized individual not to feel pain in his or her arm, the participant's arm was then placed in ice water. While non-hypnotized individuals had to remove their arm from the water after a few seconds due to the pain, the hypnotized individuals were able to leave their arms in the icy water for several minutes without experiencing pain.
What Symptoms or Conditions Is Hypnosis Commonly Used For?
The following are just a few of the applications for hypnosis that have been demonstrated through research:
The treatment of chronic pain conditions such as rheumatoid arthritis
The treatment and reduction of pain during childbirth
The reduction of the symptoms of dementia
Hypnotherapy may be helpful for certain symptoms of ADHD
The reduction of nausea and vomiting in cancer patients undergoing chemotherapy
Control of pain during dental procedures
Elimination or reduction of skin conditions including warts and psoriasis
Alleviation of symptoms associated with irritable bowel syndrome (IBS)
So why might a person decide to try hypnosis? In some cases, people might seek out hypnosis to help deal with chronic pain or to alleviate pain and anxiety caused by medical procedures such as surgery or childbirth.
Hypnosis has also been used to help people with behavior changes such as quitting smoking, losing weight, or preventing bed-wetting.
Can You Be Hypnotized?
While many people think that they cannot be hypnotized, research has shown that a large number of people are more hypnotizable than they believe.
Fifteen percent of people are very responsive to hypnosis.
Children tend to be more susceptible to hypnosis.
Approximately ten percent of adults are considered difficult or impossible to hypnotize.
People who can become easily absorbed in fantasies are much more responsive to hypnosis.
If you are interested in being hypnotized, it is important to remember to approach the experience with an open mind. Research has suggested that individuals who view hypnosis in a positive light tend to respond better.
Theories of Hypnosis
One of the best-known theories is Hilgard’s neodissociation theory of hypnosis. According to Hilgard, people in a hypnotic state experience a split consciousness in which there are two different streams of mental activity.
While one stream of consciousness responds to the hypnotist’s suggestions, another dissociated stream processes information outside of the hypnotized individual's conscious awareness.
Hypnosis Myths
Misunderstandings about the subject of hypnosis are common. Here are some myths and facts.
Myth 1: When you wake up from hypnosis, you won’t remember anything that happened when you were hypnotized.
While amnesia may occur in very rare cases, people generally remember everything that transpired while they were hypnotized. However, hypnosis can have a significant effect on memory. Posthypnotic amnesia can lead an individual to forget certain things that occurred before or during hypnosis. However, this effect is generally limited and temporary.
Myth 2: Hypnosis can help people remember the exact details of a crime they witnessed.
While hypnosis can be used to enhance memory, the effects have been dramatically exaggerated in popular media. Research has found that hypnosis does not lead to significant memory enhancement or accuracy, and hypnosis can actually result in false or distorted memories.
Myth 3: You can be hypnotized against your will.
Despite stories about people being hypnotized without their consent, hypnosis requires voluntary participation on the part of the patient.
Myth 4: The hypnotist has complete control of your actions while you’re under hypnosis.
While people often feel that their actions under hypnosis seem to occur without the influence of their will, a hypnotist cannot make you perform actions that are against your wishes.
Myth 5: Hypnosis can make you super-strong, fast or athletically talented.
While hypnosis can be used to enhance performance, it cannot make people stronger or more athletic than their existing physical capabilities.
Source: https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-hypnosis-2795921
Winning is a habit. Unfortunately, so is losing.
-Vince Lombardi
Celebrate your successes. Find some humor in your failures.
-Sam Walton
The master has failed more times than the beginner has even tried.
Success is how high you bounce when you hit bottom.
-George S. Patton
Living our life deeply and with happiness, having time to care for our loved ones – this is another kind of success, another kind of power, and it is much more important.
- Thich Nhat Hanh
“A story not shared does not serve.” – Chris Smith
Why didn’t you give up?
We all face obstacles. Some small that trip us up like the sidewalk that “jumped out of nowhere.” Others are like Goliaths, towering over us and leaving us paralyzed with fear, or worse, running the other direction. But I suck at sharing my battles.
Like many of you, I tend to play it close to the vest. I internalize my struggles and rarely, if ever, share the obstacles I’m currently battling. I don’t want to post it on Facebook. I don’t want to vent to someone. I just want to deal with it, quietly and alone. The problem with that thinking is that my obstacle starts to grow within my head. The “pebble” becomes a giant and my situation moves toward one where victory seems impossible. I haven’t shared my battle with anyone so it feels like I am the only one going through this.
I feel often times that I am the only one facing this particular battle. And that’s one helluva lonely feeling.
But the truth is, I’m not alone. There’s actually someone else out there going through the exact same situation I am. Hell, there’s probably 100 or 1,000 other people in my exact shoes, facing my same Goliath – or one much larger than mine.
And many of them are winning.
My problem isn’t my Goliath. My problem is that I’ve internalized everything, kept it to myself, and let my perspective shift to one where I feel as if victory is an impossible task. In all actuality, some of those 100 or 1,000 people out there in my exact shoes are turning my “impossible” situation into a very possible “victory” – I just don’t have the perspective.
Until I suddenly do. Nelson Mandela once said, “It’s always impossible until it’s done.” Once it’s done, everyone looks at the task much differently. Their eyes are “opened” and victory is suddenly there for the taking. Think about when the Wright brothers started to fly. It was impossible – until it wasn’t. And then everyone else believed they too could fly and started building planes and ways to soar. They were no longer hindered by their limiting mindset.
The same goes to our journey. As soon as we see someone else overcoming the same “impossible” obstacles we are facing, our mindset shifts. We begin to believe that we too can win – that victory is not a lofty dream or unrealistic expectation. It’s a fact that we can reach it. Victory shifts from “impossible” to very possible. Our mindset changes. Our attitude changes. And our behavior changes the moment we believe we can overcome it.
Everyone around us takes notice. They see the change in our eyes and determination in our hearts. A spark is lit within them after seeing us turn our “impossible” into victories, and they begin to apply within their own life. The spark becomes a flame, then a wildfire within their lives, creating one giant positive chain reaction
That’s how the world is changed for the better – one life at a time.
But that change starts with a single spark – a spark created by you. The Goliath standing in front of you this evening may be one of sheer magnitude. The obstacle may have knocked you down numerous times, and maybe this very moment you’re questioning if you can keep going. I beg you to get back up. We need you to keep going. You see, the more you compete and push forward, the more we’re inspired by you.
And someone out there right now within your network and within this Compete community is watching your struggle and how you continue to respond to it. They used to feel alone, as if they were facing an impossible goal, but after seeing you & hearing your story, their mindset changed. They are empowered that they can win. The positive chain reaction you sparked is now going beyond you into them and their network.
Your struggles, your mishaps, your obstacles are your opportunity to create a positive impact on others.
Don’t give up. Your “impossible” situation is a very winnable one. We believe – I believe in you. Keep competing.
